


let me see those galaxies (version 2)

by ebonysblues



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Background Relationships, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hate to Love, Love Confessions, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pining Steven Meeks, Possibly Unrequited Love, Relationship Advice, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-26 04:59:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13228575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebonysblues/pseuds/ebonysblues
Summary: steven meeks and charlie dalton are roommates at hellton in the year 1957and they were roommates / oh my god, they were roommates





	1. you were you

**Author's Note:**

> this strays plot-wise from the shorter version. also, the shorter version has less angst lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried adding some fifties slang, here's what they mean 
> 
> fast: sexually active  
> are you writing a book?: you're asking too many questions  
> radioactive: friendly  
> frosted: upset
> 
> also, huge thanks to my pal alanna, iamthe3rdwheel on tumblr, for being amazing and reading the beta versions of this fic for me! and for making a kickass edit??? link to it is below 
> 
> http://iamthe3rdwheel.tumblr.com/post/165181893664/let-me-see-those-galaxies-a-belated-birthday

**August - September**

 

august 28, 1957 | before school had started, his mother had told him not to worry if school was tough for him, he’d get used to wellton academy and start building the foundations of his academic career, as well as long lasting friendships. _easier said than done_. she told him that school had brought her many great lessons, ones that ultimately made her who she is now. “it’ll be like that for you.” _unlikely_. wellton’s fall semester has barely started and things are already terrible for steven meeks. his parents had left earlier than planned, leaving him in his dormitory to move his belongings into the room on his own _and_ he’d gotten off on the wrong foot with his roommate charlie dalton.

steven had already moved into his dorm room when charlie had waltzed in with his two suitcases and his parents following close behind. steven stopped what he was doing to politely introduce himself to his roommate and shake hands with his parents. his roommate's father, grant dalton, had a tight grip to his handshake that steven did his best to return. the man was dressed in a suit his own father would wear. charlie’s mother, cara dalton, had a nice smile and soft hands. she was wearing a white blouse and a gray skirt with a pair of black heels. charlie, himself, had seemed to be a troublemaker right off the bat. his tie was askew, his jacket was hung over his shoulder, and he had that glint in his eye that many would call rebellious. steven thought it was attractive, even after he realized charlie was off putting.

it might have been charlie’s eyes. they really were something. but it could have been his hair. or maybe his nose. whatever it was, steven knew it was _cool_. it seemed only charlie’s mouth to be what caused steven trouble.

after charlie’s parents left, charlie was putting away some of his clothes. steven thought it’d be nice of him to offer him a hand. charlie declined it, his voice sharp and abrupt, "no, i've got it."

steven nodded and tried not to worry about being rebuffed but the way in which charlie declined him didn't help. steven was probably reading too much into it but charlie had immediately let steven know he wasn’t in the mood to talk. steven had initially chalked it up to being first day jitters but now that it’s the third day of school he knows it isn’t that.

in the span of three days charlie has already frustrated him to no end. he's never been so upset in his life. and all because charlie doesn't have a single courteous bone in his body. so far, he's smoked in the room five times, he's left their door and window open several times, he's thrown his clothes around haphazardly on the floor, and all without asking him if it was okay. sure, besides the last thing, steven doesn't have a problem. but it would have been nice if charlie had told him he was going to smoke rather than being surprised by the smell of it when he stepped through the door. and he'd rather not have to hear the disgusting jokes the boy across the hall is telling his roommate just because charlie forgot to shut the door on his way out.

august 29, 1957 | besides the tragedy of his relationship with his roommate, steven feels like he’s lost. new faces, new atmosphere, new everything. it’s a bit too much for him. he didn’t feel like he fit or belonged at wellton. other students have known each other for years, have cemented relationships that don’t have want or need for someone to come and join in. everyone there seemed to have friends except for him. he wishes he had his family still here with him. they’d be a grand silver lining.

he's usually shoved past in the halls and down the stairs. his own fault, he must admit. he's a slow walker.

and he didn't talk to anyone during meal time. more accurately, no one talked to him. laughter and muffled chatter always played on around him while he ate. the symphony sounded nice to him. he wished he could play a part.

august 30, 1957 | today, steven learned that wellton is better known as ‘hellton’ by the student population (he’d heard a student in his english class say so). it’s fitting. though, as much as he loathes his circumstances here at wellton he knows he’s lucky. from here, he’ll continue on to an ivy league school; he’ll make his mother and father happy by becoming a surgeon, and everything will be well in life. now, if only he could get a peace of mind in this very moment.

he tried starting a conversation with the boy sitting next to him at lunch today. by that, steven worked out all the possible scenarios in his head but never actually said anything. his hands released sweat all over his cutlery and his heart was racing throughout the entire meal.

it wasn’t steven’s favorite part of the day.

steven’s roommate situation was still on the rocks. for what reason? that was beyond steven’s capacity. he’d gone over where he could have went wrong with charlie. the only thing he’d come up with is that maybe he came off as annoying. steven didn’t really get along well with students at his old school. he can recall several moments in which he heard people talking about how odd he was behind his back. perhaps it’s the same thing here. charlie probably thought steven was weird and was loathing the fact that he had to share a room with him.

that thought settled into his skin, sunk into his bloodstream, and slowly ate away at him.

september 1, 1957 |steven wished he was at home. he missed his parents and his grand-dad - the way his mom would always tell him she loved him, the way his dad would always ruffle his hair, and the way his grand-dad would tell him riddles and play logic games with him. he missed his old school, as horrible as his peers were he at least had caring teachers. he missed the feeling of his bed sheets on his skin. he missed dancing around his room in his underwear. he missed the view of the sun setting right outside of his window. he missed his collection of geodes. he missed everything he didn’t bring with him to hellton.

september 2, 1957 | today, charlie showed how incredibly crude he is. truly, he had absolutely no respect for steven. technically, steven finally got what he wanted. a conversation with charlie. unfortunately, the conversation topic was steven’s sex life. in particular, the lack thereof.

“so, are you fast?” charlie had asked him.

steven froze. he had been writing in his journal when charlie had sprung the question on him. his hand went limp, his eyes grew squinted, and his lips pressed together. he turned his head to look at charlie who was looking right back at him. charlie's face was set, his eyes gave no indication as to why he wanted to know. steven supposed it was simply to embarrass him or get on his nerves. steven had no clue as to why charlie would want to make him embarrassed but he didn’t have any other ideas as to why charlie would ask him something so personal after barely meeting one another a few days beforehand.

steven was quite embarrassed, yes. and he held plenty qualms with telling charlie the truth.  most high school boys loved sex. boarding school boys? steven had heard talk amongst them and it wasn’t for a child’s ear, that’s for sure. steven had never joined in on any of these talks. partly because he wouldn’t be welcome in the conversation and partly because he didn’t have a sexual history to bring up.

“no,” steven paused, “i’m not.”

he watched as charlie did nothing but blink, his face still set. charlie didn't say anything in response. he just looked at him. with that, charlie turned away from steven's sight, letting him know the conversation was over. steven didn't want it to be over. he wanted to ask the question back. he wanted to know if charlie had ever had sex with someone, what he had done with them, if he loved them. he didn't ask though. he let the talk drizzle out of the room, away from the two of them.

and that’s that. charlie hasn’t sprung any other questions on him since. steven almost wanted to surprise him with question like that too but who was he fooling? he could never ask something like that to someone he had only known for a few days. how charlie could was unbeknownst to steven. except it really wasn’t . . . his roommate was a full-blooded asshole.

 _if only charlie could be as nice as his jawline,_ steven thinks.

september 3, 1957 | classes went okay today. steven could complain but that’d take too much energy so he isn’t going to. he’d been focused on assignments for the most part.

since he’d been here at hellton, his down time consisted of laying in bed and thinking. sure, he could say he was being philosophical but the truth was he’d been depressed as all hell and his residence lies in dullsville.

he’d kept to himself while in his dorm. he had tried making small talk with charlie yesterday, but it came to no avail. charlie didn’t even look at him while he spoke. such a shame, too. charlie has nice eyes. not that steven would ever tell him that. not that steven ever _could_. charlie’s such an asshole everything steven had said to him so far had gone through one ear and out the other. at the very least, steven wasn’t kept up at night by charlie wanking like he heard someone say he’d been by his roommate. certainly, though, he had hoped for a measly conversation. steven tried and tried but was only met with charlie’s short response of, “are you writing a book?” the questions stopped after that, steven knew better than to seek companionship with someone who clearly didn't want anything of the sort.

september 6, 1957 | fridays made steven want to pack up his things and leave. he'd known he’d got the weekend, known they should have been filled with fun, and was filled with the disappointment of knowing that he’d be going to have the worst time. homework was a good pastime, of course, but steven would like to do something that didn’t have to do with school. it was good to take breaks from studying. sadly, his breaks consisted of him staring at his dorm wall… not entertaining in the slightest.

tomorrow, steven swore, he'd start spending more time outside.

september 7, 1957 | another attempt at becoming friends with charlie failed. steven shouldn’t have tried, he knew that. he just couldn’t help himself. he was nothing if not persistent. it’s a quality of his that his father would praise and his mother would ask to go away.

so, steven hadn’t found a friend in his roommate but he thought he'd found a friend in a guy named gilbert. the other students had nicknamed (more like branded) him as ‘spaz’ but steven prefered to call him by his real name.

gilbert had tripped down the stairs earlier today, his knees banged hard and his glasses had fallen onto the floor. steven hurried over to the other teen and helped him up, his hands placed themselves on gilbert's back and arm. “are you alright?”

“fine, missed the step.” gilbert had explained, graciously allowing steven to help him up.

“oh, that happens to me all the time.” steven said.

gilbert gave him a smile then and steven returned it.

it wasn't until later, when steven was sat in the grass, that he realized it was the first time he'd smiled in a long time. steven started picking at the blades and took a deep breath in. he could smell the earth and he could _feel_ it. it was in the palm of his hand, it was right beneath him, and it was all around him. he could also hear the tune of the birds' song. it reminded him of lyrics to a song he'd heard a while before coming to school. _“life could be a dream (sh-boom)/ if only all my precious plans would come true (sh-boom)/ if you would let me spend my whole life lovin' you/ life could be a dream, sweetheart.”_

september 8, 1957 | he met some of charlie’s friends today. pitts (gerard, actually, but everyone calls him pitts) is a great guy! quiet and kind of clumsy. he has short dark hair, a long face, a slight cleft in his chin. they sit next to one another in biology class. steven hopes they’ll start to get along well. he think that’s going to be the case. knox is charismatic, certainly charming. he’s got a handsome face and light brown hair to top it. neil is... well, he’s something. he’s charismatic, free, and his face belongs to a cherub.

they’re charlie’s friends, not his. _yet_. he hoped to one day call them ‘friends’.

september 9, 1957 | charlie finally talked to him today. it was such a surprise to steven that he ended up making a complete fool out of himself. charlie had asked a simple question, an incredibly simple question, and steven had responded with, “what?” oh god, if charlie hadn’t truly hated him before he would have then. charlie had restated his question and, thankfully, steven answered it.

the day wasn’t a total bust. steven found himself a study group made of neil, gerard, knox, and yes, charlie. neil put it together, everyone else followed suit. steven knows if neil hadn’t come up with the idea while in charlie and his shared dorm he probably wouldn’t have been invited. he guesses he’s lucky in that regard.

steven had also hung out with gilbert for the first time. steven invited him over to the dorm. charlie was friendly towards gilbert, he had even given him a smile and a ‘hey’. steven almost missed the ‘hey, meeks’ charlie sent his way. he would never admit this but his eyes lit up at the way charlie said his name.

september 10, 1957 | gerard had talked to steven in bio class. sure, it was about school but a conversation is a conversation and steven would take it. yesterday, gerard had simply nodded at him. today, it’s a full sentence. who knows what tomorrow will bring.

at lunch today, gilbert sat with him. it was surprising to say the least. steven had just begun eating when the boy sat down beside him. steven immediately got a smile on his face, it was so big he couldn’t have hid it if he tried. gilbert gave him a soft grin back before striking a conversation by asking how his day had been. soon enough, the two are talking up a storm and steven hardly remembers a time when he would sit alone.

september 12, 1957 | steven returned to his room welcomed to the smell of cigarette smoke again. it didn’t upset him any, just made him crave a light.

september 13, 1957 | seeing how well charlie and neil fit together shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. steven knew that. charlie was just his roommate. no matter how hard he’d tried to befriend him, nothing had happened and nothing ever would. steven also knew how radioactive neil was, sociable in ways steven could never be. he couldn’t get frosted, he understood that neil was a great guy. he just wished he and charlie could get along half as well.

it felt like knives were digging into his skin when he saw charlie and neil laughing together. it’s a sight that steven had envisioned many times before, but with himself in neil’s place. steven's smart enough to know that his daydreams would never be reality. he knew how unlikely it would be for charlie and him to ever be friends like that and he knew he should stop wanting them to be. with that thought, he turned his sight away from charlie and neil talking, and cast it towards gerard, who had been struggling with his homework.

“number three is right, pittsie, but you have got to take another look at four.”

september 21, 1957 | he hung out with gilbert again today. they played two games of chess. steven won the first and gilbert won the second. gilbert smiles cheekily at him after. steven simply rolled his eyes and declared, “two out of three.”

gilbert had shaken his head, and told steven, “let’s just talk instead.” and that’s what they did.

september 25, 1957 | gerard had become a good friend to steven. they were studying and messing around on his bed earlier today, working on bio and laughing about the pictures in the textbook.

“this is you,” gerard said, pointing to a picture depicting some ugly amoeba. steven laughed, and shoved gerard with his elbow which made gerard laugh as well. the simple sound brought joy to steven. he’s happy he has someone he can laugh and be himself with.

september 27, 1957 | written on a page by his mother were some lyrics to the song rockin robin and a note that read, “ ** _i listened to this and thought you would like the sound of it_ ** ”. steven, upon seeing what his mother had written in her lovely cursive, felt both a warmth and a coldness within his chest.

he wanted to cry. he wanted to sing. he wanted to dance.

however, in actuality, he sat and stared at the letter, at the lyrics, “ ** _he rocks in the treetop all day long/ hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singing his song/ all the little birds on jaybird street/ love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet._ ** ”

september 30, 1957 | steven opened the door to his dorm room today and found charlie sitting at his desk working on something. surprising, to say the least. charlie seemed to do all he could to avoid being in the dorm room, especially when steven was there. steven simply bit his lip, stared at charlie for a second, and then walked over to his bed to take a nap.

he’d been under the covers with his eyes closed and was close to falling asleep when a loud noise came from charlie’s desk. steven's nose twitched in annoyance before he just snuggled deeper into bed. it was a minute later, when charlie groaned aloud in frustration and shocked steven enough to have him open his eyes.

steven sees charlie working on the english assignment from today. from what steven can tell, charlie isn’t having an easy time with it.

he dismissed the issue and resolved to fall asleep but another minute later he let out a sigh due to the incessant drumming of charlie’s pencil on the desk.  “need help?” steven called out. 

he watched as charlie’s jaw clenched slightly. “no.”

steven nodded. it was the answer he was expecting. “can you,” he paused, “can you quiet down, then?”

charlie leaned back in his chair, grumbled, “fine,” and made significantly less amount of noise than before.

steven fell asleep after a few minutes.


	2. and i was i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steven makes friends and charlie is less of a dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stole Ornament_of_Rhyme's names for spaz and hopkins tbh

**October**

 

october 4, 1957| fridays were definitely not as horrible as they used to be. a perfect friday would involve seeing a film, visiting a museum, or doing anything that didn’t involve english, biology, geography, and etc. while fridays at wellton were nothing like that, they were turning out to be pretty damn fun.

steven’s tried to make the most out of them. the entire wellton experience at that. he went walking a lot more. gone are the days he stayed in his dorm sitting around and loathing everything. and when he did stay in his dorm, he invited gilbert over. he even made more than one friend!

he had to partner up with someone in geography class. he felt a sinking in his stomach when professor wentworth had said so but it eased eventually when the boy next to him immediately moved his desk adjacent to his. steven had initially worried he would pair up with the boy on the other side of him. the boy had introduced himself as richard and told steven he could call him stick, ‘it’s what everyone else calls me’.

steven and stick had diligently worked on the assignment but still found time to laugh at things they found funny. the professor sent a few glances their way but didn’t say anything. he had to deal with the more pressing matter of chet danburry tearing paper into small bits and not-so-secretly throwing them around the classroom.

at the end of class, stick invited steven for a smoke over in his dorm. steven nodded, doing his best to remain ‘cool’ all the while feeling ecstatic.

stick introduced steven to his roommate russell. russell and he hit it off really quick. russell had steven laughing the entire time he was in their dorm. even more, steven got a few jokes in. with one of his jokes he accidentally made stick start coughing on smoke, which made steven and russell share a quick look and smirk at each other.

“hey, you two can’t become all buddy-buddy. meeks was my friend first.”

“who said i was your friend?” steven taunted.

russell laughed so hard he bent over as stick flipped steven off. steven just took the last puff of his cigarette before asking russell where he was from.

steven learned all about russell’s home life and stick’s parents. and he told them about his own.

a while later was when steven left their dorm and headed back to his, which had led him up to lying in bed with a smile on his face.

 

october 5, 1957 | he sent off a letter to his family that morning. he told his mom about school: his classes, the professors, his roommate, and his friends. he also thanked her for sharing the song lyrics and asked for more.

after, he went to breakfast and sat with gilbert. they talked about music the whole time. steven led most of the conversation. mind you, he let gilbert talk, he just had a lot more to say on the matter of swing vs. doo-wop vs. rock and roll. breakfast was over faster than it started but steven still had a lot to say. gilbert ended up inviting him to his dorm.

on the walk to gilbert’s dorm, steven realized he should let gilbert have a chance to talk. he asked him questions about home and such. he found out gilbert had no siblings, one dog, and parents who taught him hebrew and greek.

gilbert opened the door to his room and steven followed him in. gilbert’s roommate was laying off the side of his bed with the upper half of his body resting against the side and his lower half on the top.  steven laughed and reached out to shake his hand. “hey, i’m, uh, steven meeks.”

“edwin hopkins. nice to meet you.”

“are you-” steven paused and looked towards gilbert to check if this is a usual occurrence. it is. “are you having fun there?”

“just had to clear my head.”

“cool. i think i might try that sometime. i’m sure it works faster than a cig.”

“it does.” hopkins lifted himself up then, groaning once he’s upright.  he turned to face them by moving up to sit on the edge of his bed. “hey, what’s your name again?”

steven smiled awkwardly before telling him. hopkins nods. “you’re gil’s friend?”

“uh, yeah.”

hopkins grinned widely at that. gilbert motioned for steven to come and sit down with him on his bed so he did. steven noticed hopkins’ smile falter at that but gilbert paid no mind to it so steven supposed it isn’t a big deal.

the two talked alone for a long time before hopkins joined in on the conversation. “the diner in town plays doo-wop music on thursdays and swing on fridays. also, the food’s great.”

steven was surprised to hear that. he hadn’t been in town since he passed through it in august. steven was about to tell gilbert they should go together when hopkins beat him to it.

“sure, it’ll be fun.” gilbert said. “what do you think, steven?”

“yeah, definitely.”

steven knew he would never have imagined this a month ago.

 

october 6, 1957 | charlie hadn’t spoken to steven in a long time. steven was okay with that.

 

october 7, 1957 | in biology, professor dawson returned the assignments from the previous week. steven was satisfied with his scores, though he did get one wrong on one of the assignments.

pitts turned to him to ask what grade he got and upon receiving the answer he promptly tells steven he hates him.

steven laughed, and teased, “i hate you, too.”

“could you check my answers this week?”

“no.”

pitts pouted at him, his bottom lip jutted out and his eyebrows scrunched together. “steven meeks, you are one cold bastard.”

“do you want demerits, mr. pitts?” professor dawson said, surprising the two.

“uh, no, no, sir.”

“keep your mouth clean.”

“yes, sir.”

steven told pitts to come to his dorm on friday morning with his worksheets.

“alright, but hey, why haven’t you been going to the study group meetings?”

“it was nice to be invited, but i’ll stick to studying on my own.”

“okay,” pitts said, “are you sure it’s not because of charlie?”

steven packed up his things when professor dawson said the class was dismissed. “why would it be because of charlie?”

“i just, i don’t know, i think you two…”

“don’t get along?” steven finished for him, walking out of the class.

“yeah. it’s, uh, kinda obvious.”

“we’re fine. we get along, now.” steven said, but as soon as he said it he began to question whether that was the truth.

“alright, well, i’ll see you later.” pitts said, heading to his dorm.

“alright.”

 

october 8, 1957 | stick invited steven over for a smoke again. russell wasn't there, stick said he was hanging with shrooms. steven sat beside stick on stick's bed and was handed a cigarette. he immediately put it between his lips and stick lit it up for him. 

they sat beside one another in silence for a while, enjoying each other's company and the smoke in their lungs. steven could feel the warmth of stick's body next to him. he wanted to know what it felt like to be close to him, to have their skin touch. he felt desire burning inside of him. it was a small fire inside of his gut - just a cigarette, not yet a wildfire. as stick smiled at him and started talking, steven felt the fire grow. steven was more focused on stick's lips than what he was talking about. 

stick noticed. steven knew 'cause stick smirked, carried on talking, and went from looking into steven's eyes to glancing at his mouth. at some point, stick started talking about something else and his voice got slower, raspier. 

steven thought stick was leaning in close and knew for sure when he could see the freckles on his cheeks. then he thought they would kiss but stick abruptly leaned back when russell opened the door.

“hey! i can’t believe you two would smoke without me! i feel betrayed.”

“believe it.” steven said, disappointment filling every bone in his body.

russell laughed and laid on his bed, spreading his limbs out. “woah! meeks has got a mouth on him.”

 _i_ wish  _there was a mouth on me._

 

october 9, 1957 | a smile. steven woke up with a smile that morning. he had been dreaming about the stars, about space.  

steven almost worried about charlie wiping it off with a sour attitude but then realized charlie hadn’t been acting standoffish recently.

that thought made his smile even bigger.

 

october 10, 1957 | shirts were ripped off as steven tried on several. he thought he’d wear his gray button-up shirt but then thought better of it. he tried on other button-up shirts but they weren’t right either. he had a red and white striped t-shirt at the bottom of his drawers but steven wasn’t sure if it made him look nice. the jumble of shirts on his bed made him resolve the issue though. he tried on the shirt.

he was buckling his belt when charlie walked into the dorm. it nearly scared him to death, he just hoped charlie couldn’t tell. “oh, hey, dalton.”

“hey,” he said, looking steven up and down, “you going somewhere?”

steven bent down to cuff his jeans and said, “yeah.” he almost left it at that but he figured he’d give talking to charlie another shot. “gilbert, edwin, and i are going to the diner in town.”

when steven bent back up he noticed charlie’s eyes flitting around the room. charlie didn’t say anything, just nodded. steven figured a few words were all he was going to receive from charlie.

“that’s a, uh, nice shirt you got on.”

steven turned away, busying himself with grabbing his wallet and shoving it into his back pocket while trying to hide the redness of his cheeks. “thanks,” steven managed to say.

“have fun.”

“thanks.” steven said again, slightly cringing at the way his voice sounded. he turned back and headed out of his dorm room. he let out a shaky breath after the door closed behind him. then he smiled. _he’d just had a conversation with charlie dalton._

steven met gilbert and hopkins at their dorm and then they were on their way to the diner.

the stroll was fine enough. hopkins kept ‘accidentally’ bumping into gilbert. steven thought it was sweet. especially when hopkins wrapped an arm around gilbert’s shoulder. though, he couldn’t help but feel a bit saddened by the fact that he didn’t have someone to put an arm around his shoulder.

when they stepped in through the door the song ‘earth angel’ was playing and steven knew he’d like this place. they all chose a booth to sit in way in the back. steven was relieved when gilbert sat on his side. he was a bit worried about being the odd guy out. the waitress came over to them and got their food and drink orders. steven asked for an iced tea, gilbert and hopkins both asked for a coke.

“not a soda drinker, meeks?” hopkins asked.

steven shook his head, “i hate the carbonation.”

“i love it.”

“i do, too.”

‘rama lama ding dong’ finished as the waitress brought them their drinks. ‘why do fools fall in love?’ came on after. steven hid a smile as gilbert’s ears got red but he couldn’t hide it when hopkins almost spilled his coke.

“this is a good song,” steven teased. he realized he shouldn’t have when gilbert elbowed his side. “i mean, there are better songs. like, um, ‘only you’,”

‘ _only you can make all this change in me / for it's true, you are my destiny / when you hold my hand i understand the magic that you do / you're my dream come true, my one and only you._ ’

“or ‘in the still of the night’.”

‘ _in the still of the night / i held you / held you tight / ‘cause i love / love you so / promise i'll never / let you go._ ’

the conversation went dead after steven stopped talking. the boys awkwardly sipped on their drinks in the meantime. 

“hopkins, how long have you been going to hell-ton?” steven asked, for conversation's sake and because gilbert was glaring at him.

“since the sixth grade. my parents thought it’d be best for me. they were right, my grades have improved, and i don’t get into troubleu8 or as much trouble as i used to get into, anyway.”

steven nodded before turning to gilbert and asking, “you came to hell-ton in the sixth grade, too. right?”

gilbert muttered a yeah.

hopkins started talking again, “that year wasn’t the best for either of us.”

steven frowned, his heart hurting from the pain in hopkins' voice. “i’m sorry for bringing it up, i-”

“boys would... rough me up real bad that year,” gilbert said. 

“i had a part in that. i knew it wasn’t right but i would hurt him anyway. eventually, i cut it out. i apologized to him.” hopkins explained, his face showing regret and compunction.

“we became friends in eighth grade.”

“i’m really happy we are, you know.” hopkins said, looking at gilbert with a soft disposition.

“i am, too,” gilbert told him with the same look on his face.

the waitress brought their burgers and fries to them and the conversation changed. they ate while they talked. meeks shoveled fries into his mouth while hopkins talked about home life. they all talked about professors they don’t like and what they’d spend their money on if they had a million dollars. soon enough the food was gone and it was almost sunset so they paid the bill and headed back to hell-ton just as ‘secret love’ started to play. 

 

october 12, 1957 | another letter from his mom came. this one told him about how she found another piece of artwork to go in the living room. she explained how she had gotten it and where she had decided to put it. she wrote about what his father has been up to lately and the topics she has been discussing with his granddad. she wrote lyrics to another song at the end of the letter. “ ** _i search for phrases / to sing your praises / but there aren't any magic adjectives / to tell you all you are! / you're just too marvelous / too marvelous for words._ ** ”

 

october 14, 1957 | when steven was walking up the stairs, neil started talking to him. he invited him to the study group again, letting him know that he was welcome. 

"thanks," steven told him, "i'll think about." 

 

october 18, 1957 | pitts came by that morning to have his answers checked so steven looked over the answers and made note of which ones weren't correct. 

"you're a genius, steven," pitts gave his thanks, hugging steven before heading out. 

steven barely caught the mutter that came from charlie's mouth, "he didn't say 'hi' to me." 

 

october 19, 1957 | steven hung out with stick that evening. stick came to his dorm and knocked on the door. steven was taking a nap so charlie answered it and let him in before he left to do whatever it is that he does. stick poked steven in the face until he woke up.

“uh, hey,” steven yawned before smiling, pleasantly surprised.

“your roommate is kind of an asshole,” stick says, sitting beside steven on the edge of the bed.

steven laughed and agreed with him. “try rooming with him.”

“no thanks, russell is the only guy for me.”

“why don’t you try me on for size?” steven teased, sitting up in his bed, pushing the covers off so that they were on his lap.

“why don’t i?” stick teased back, leaning in closer towards steven. 

steven laughed and asked why stick came over.

“i wanted to see what your dorm looked like.”

“it’s the same as yours.”

stick rolled his eyes. “alright, i wanted to see you. happy?”

steven could hardly contain the blush that his cheeks got. he turned his head to try to make it less obvious. “yeah,” he mumbled into his shoulder.

“is that a chessboard?” stick asked, his attention placed on the set resting on steven’s desk.

steven nodded his head, hoping his blush had gone down. “gilbert and i were playing the other day.”

“gilbert?”

“oh, uh, spaz,” steven said. “do you know how to play?”

stick shook his head. “can you teach me?”

“yeah,” steven smiled, “i can teach you.”

the two spent the rest of the evening sitting at steven’s desk, with steven pulling up charlie’s chair to use. stick made steven laugh a few times with some jokes. he also teased quite a bit, making steven feel flustered the entire time. the good kind of flustered. the kind with butterflies.

steven was about to let stick take his queen when charlie walked in. steven, who’d thought maybe the tension between them was in the past, told him hey. charlie, who apparently hadn’t had enough of the tension between them, didn’t say anything. he just picked up a notebook of his and left the room.

“he really is an asshole.”

“for a minute there, i actually thought he wouldn’t be.”

“let’s go to my room. russell probably misses me.”

steven laughed, “he misses me more.”

 

october 20, 1957 | charlie had invited neil over that morning. it was alright for the most part. sure, neil's a swell guy, a better person than steven that's for sure. it pains him to know that charlie thinks so too.

steven made small talk with neil while charlie went to the bathroom. neil happens to know a lot about wellton and the way things run. he told steven about which professors had difficult classes and which ones had easy ones. 

"thanks! that's good to know," steven told neil, noticing awkwardness start to seep in between the two. he didn't have to suffer through it, thankfully. charlie walked in and gathered up neil's attention. 

 

october 21, 1957| russell and stick sat with steven and gilbert during lunch. the first thing they did when they sat down was muss his hair (which, honestly, was already untidy). “guys, come on,” steven half-heartedly complained.

“we’re just making you look good, stevie,” russell crooned.

“yeah, right. you’re trying to make me look ugly so you’ll look good.” steven then motioned to gilbert and introduced him to the boys. “russell, stick, this is gilbert. gilbert, this is russell and this is stick.”

“hey,” gilbert said.

stick smiled politely while russell started ranting to gilbert about how sarcastic meeks could be.

“he does have a quick tongue,” gilbert agreed.

steven rolled his eyes. “you haven’t seen anything yet.”

russell laughed loudly, “that’s exactly what i mean.”

 

october 26, 1957 | steven had recently gotten sick. it started with a cough and has since become a full-fledged fever. he went to the nurse but she sent him away without so much as putting her hand to his forehead. though, it was lucky he had gotten sick during the weekend because he could sleep it off without missing class. 

steven had wanted to study today but ultimately, he’d stayed in bed for most of the day; in between naps, he’d quietly and dreadfully gone to breakfast and lunch, trying not to talk. for the most part, he sniffled while he ate. it was a bit embarrassing but what could he do? he noticed charlie send a few glances his way. a part of him liked the fact that charlie was looking at him but it was easily overtaken by the part of him that loathed the fact that he was only doing it because steven looked dead at the moment. he didn’t care enough to do his hair, so it was sticking up in random tufts. his clothes were disheveled from sleeping in them and they looked like he’d worn them for ten days straight rather than two. not to mention, his face is a sickly shade of gray. his friends made a big deal about it. stick tried to fix his hair for him and even tucked his shirt into his slacks and fixed his tie for him.

stick's hands on him had been the only highlight of being sick. 

stick and gilbert walked with him back to his dorm. stick helped him out of his blazer and his button-up, leaving him shirtless. steven had never felt more aware of his body then in that next moment when he stripped down to his underwear. gilbert helped him into his bed and both of his friends sat beside him for a while. 

they were laughing about something russell had said a week ago when charlie walked in. they kept talking for a while but eventually the two left. 

charlie sent a few looks steven’s way. after a while of sitting in silence, charlie asked, “how are you feeling?” 

steven, obviously and thoroughly surprised by the question, made a noise in the back of his throat. charlie took it as an answer and simply said, “get better soon.”

 

october 28, 1957 | steven was laying in bed as per usual since he'd gotten sick when charlie walked into the room. now, charlie was prone to strutting around the room but this time his stance was slouched and almost soft, in a way. steven noticed charlie’s eyes were on him. this both scared and pleased the hell out of him. this may be the most attention charlie’s shown him since they began rooming together and it’s all he’s ever wanted from him.

charlie cleared his throat before he started to talk, “listen, steven, could i talk to you?”

steven nodded, sat up, and tried his damnedest to not let charlie know how nervous he is at that statement. he’s sure he’s as pale as a cadaver and almost wishes he were one in that instance.

“i’ve been a dick to you, i know that. i acknowledge it. i - it’s not you, i swear. it’s unfair of me to act how i have been towards you when you have never done anything deserving of such actions. i won’t be a jerk to you like that again. i can’t promise i won’t be a jerk in general but, uh, trust me when i say it’ll be friendly teasing and not… actual teasing. and i won’t ever go ape on you, either, in case you were worried about that. i've been a dick of a roommate since the start but from here on out, i won't be a bother.”

steven focused on charlie’s eyes as he talked, and was astonished to find that charlie’s were focused on his as well.

“i don’t want you to think that we can’t be friends. we can be. the only reason we aren’t already is because of me, and i know that. i’m sorry. fuck, i’ve been an asshole.”

steven laughed at that. _yeah, you have been._ at the sound of steven’ laughter, charlie looked down to the floor.

“i really have been an asshole, haven’t i?”

steven nodded. 

charlie, upon realizing steven wasn't going to say anything, nodded and then headed over to his bed to lay down as well.

october 30, 1957 | _steven's no longer sick / charlie's no longer a dick_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be posted a week from today (unless i forget)


	3. we were two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> charlie hadn't been as big of an asshole as he used to be. not exactly an achievement but steven welcomed it wholeheartedly.

november 1, 1957 | steven finally went to a study group and it went terribly. for steven, anyway, but not for any of the other participators. charlie apparently only wanted to annoy him.

charlie'd been less of an asshole recently. the worst he'd gotten was snarky, which was mostly charming. mostly. it could be aggravating when he added in his stupid signature wink and - steven overheard charlie telling a crude joke - steven took it back. charlie would always be an ass.

 

november 2, 1957 | another letter from his mom came.

**_steven, dear,_ i've _missed you greatly. your father has as well. surely, no one has missed you more than your grandfather though. he recounted a story to me, in which you were a toddler and he had lifted you up, flipped you upside down, you got sick when he placed you back on your feet. i truly do miss you. i'm pleased to hear you're making friends. keep your chin up, son._ _i l_ _ove you._**

 

november 4, 1957 | a quiz. steven's day started off with a fucking quiz. but it got better from there on out. he received top marks on all of the assignments that were passed back to him. and at the end of the day, he went over to gil's dorm. hopkins hadn't been there so it was just the two of them. gil started telling him about how he wanted to see a shooting star one day. and steven told him that he had seen a shower once when a year ago, that it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen in his life, and that he hoped gil got to see one someday, too.

they went for a walk that night and while they don't see a shooting star they still have a good time.

 

november 5, 1957 | charlie hadn't been as big of an asshole as he used to be. not exactly an achievement but steven welcomed it wholeheartedly.

 

november 7, 1957 | breakfast that morning made steven miss home with a passion. no one, especially not wellton's cooks, could make french toast like his mother could. the orange juice was fine, though.

just before lunch, stick and russell came over to steven's dorm. charlie was friendly with russell but not with stick. russell took over steven's bed, his body taking up all of the space. steven rolled his eyes at him while stick awkwardly sat down in steven's desk chair. steven pushed aside russell's legs so he could sit on the edge of his bed and started talking with the two of them about nothing and everything. 

 

november 8, 1957 | steven felt a deep hollow feeling in his chest when he finished reading the letter his mom sent. he had been excited to receive one, he'd missed her and everyone else. he had wanted to know how they were doing. now, he knew.

his grandfather had gotten sick.

 

november 9, 1957 | study group went okay. steven found knox's jokes to be funny and neil to be as enthusiastic as ever. charlie was different than usual. steven couldn't place his finger on it. charlie was still a dick, he just... steven didn't know how to explain it so he went back to working on his arithmetic homework.

after about ten minutes had passed, pitts said he wanted some air. steven figured he could use a break and said he'd go with him. they meandered for a bit, strolling through the halls before finally going out into the open. the two walked slowly, stepping on the leaves that had fallen onto the dirt and grass, in a comfortable silence.

steven sat down eventually to rest. and pitts sat beside him. still, they didn't say anything. the two let the crickets chirp and the frogs' croak be the only sound between them.

just before they went back inside, pitts settled a hand on steven's shoulder. steven smiled then, feeling the care that pitts feels for him slip into the simple touch. 

 

november 10, 1957 | it was 2:30 in the morning and steven had yet to fall asleep. he lied awake thinking of a thousand different things, his mind had been taken over by one impossibility after another. he was scared that they weren't really impossibilities, that his worst fears would come true.

yes, he wanted to fall asleep. surely it'd be better than fantasizing about horrors. he just... couldn't.

 

november 11, 1957 | charlie smiled at steven that morning. steven guessed he knew that he hadn't slept well last night. steven sent a tiny smile back but charlie'd turned away and hadn't received it. later that day, charlie glanced over at steven a few times. steven could feel his eyes on him. he was very aware that it was charlie. he'd glanced back and caught charlie's stare. charlie didn't blink or flit his eyes away. he just kept staring. steven was the one to break the stare and looked over at a wall. 

 

november 12, 1957 | that day had gone by slowly. everything seemed to drag on as if time were wearing weights around its ankles. steven almost couldn't take it. he just wanted the day to be over with. 

 

november 14, 1957 | an assignment took up some of steven's time that evening. gil and hopkins took up the rest of it. gil and steven tried teaching hopkins how to play chess. 'tried' being the operative word. steven had trouble just teaching him the names of the pieces. gil had better luck with it, obviously. hopkins did his best to impress for him, which made steven incredibly irritated and yes, jealous.

steven left their dorm when hopkins started staring at gil in a way that alluded to something steven didn't want to think about.

 

november 15, 1957 | stick made steven laugh so hard milk came out of his nose during breakfast that morning. and then russell made fun of him for it. and later on that day, he played arm wrestle with charlie. charlie won, of course. steven was just happy to take part in something with charlie. it sent a thrill down his spine when he heard charlie call him over to play a round. steven would be lying if he said his heart hadn't sped up when charlie asked if they could thumb wrestle instead. charlie's hand felt smooth and his fingers were slightly chubby. steven liked how they felt wrapped up in his hand. 

 

november 16, 1957 | his mother's letter came in that morning. he almost didn't want to read it. he kept it on his desk all day. he looked at it from time to time, thinking about what she could possibly have written. finally, he couldn't take it anymore and ripped it open.

**_steven, i hope you've been fairing as well as you can since the news i shared in my last letter. your father hasn't but he's putting on a brave face. you don't have to do that. i would rather you not. if this is hurting you, you can show it. i love you with all of my heart, as does your father and your grandfather. he'll be alright, dear. i want you to know that. he told me another story today. in this one you were seven. he had just started teaching you how to play chess, and he decided he'd let you win. only, as the game went on he realized he had stopped trying to. you beat him fair and square. love, your mother._ **

 

november 17, 1957 | steven woke up to the sight of pitts, knox, and neil in the dorm hanging out with charlie. 

"hey, sleeping beauty," pitts said, sending him a smile once he realized his friend had woken up. 

"hey," steven said back, his voice deep and raspy. 

"breakfast is in 20 minutes," knox told him. 

"oh, okay, thanks," steven replied, before looking over and catching a glance at charlie without a shirt on. steven immediately cast his glance away and then got out of bed to get ready for the day. 

 

november 20, 1957 | he fell asleep on stick's bed that afternoon. stick woke him up after a half hour and told him it was time for dinner. steven told him to go without him. he thought for a second that stick would listen to him and leave, but he didn't. he dragged steven out of bed and waited for him to slip on his shoes before exiting the room with steven beside him. 

 

november 22, 1957 | charlie praised steven twice during the study group meeting. steven couldn't - he didn't - it made him feel amazing. it set a fire in his heart, he felt heat everywhere. his cheeks were warm and it was as if he had a fever. a good kind of fever. not to mention when charlie set his hand on the small of steven's back as he told him how smart he was. steven had to bite his lip to keep from saying something ridiculous in response. the simple touch made steven feel emotions that could definitely not be classified as 'simple'. 

steven was grateful to charlie for the distraction. 

 

november 23, 1957 | steven stayed inside of his dorm for the most part. he didn't feel the need to go anywhere. 

 

november 24, 1957 | at around 1 a.m., charlie threw his pillow at steven.

"ow!" steven had exclaimed.

"what the hell are you doing still awake?" charlie had whispered, angrily.

steven huffed before saying, "can't fall asleep," and he paused before adding in, "you didn't have to throw your pillow at me."

charlie didn't say anything in response. then all of a sudden, steven heard a shuffle of blankets, a pattering of feet, and then felt a body sit beside him on his bed.

he turned around in his bed and looked up at charlie looking down at him. in the darkness of the room, he only saw a silhouette. mostly, he sensed the warmth of charlie next to him. and the tension. 

"what's wrong?" charlie asked in the lowest and nicest tone of voice steven's ever heard him use.

"nothing," steven lied. his voice was incredulous, frustrated at charlie for asking questions. he'd hardly shown an interest in steven's sleeping habits before. he didn't need to start now, especially when steven didn't want him to.

"is it a girl?"

steven shakes his head, "no, it's not a girl."

"a guy?"

"no. well, yeah, but not- it's my grandfather."

"oh," charlie was apparently at a lack of words. steven could feel charlie tense up slightly.

"my mom said he's sick. he's only got a couple weeks."

steven wondered why he was telling charlie this. he didn't even know what charlie was doing sitting on his bed.

he didn't know what was going to happen with his grandfather. he didn't know how he'd handle it if something were to happen soon. he was so far away from home. it'd take a while for his mother's letter to arrive. he'd find out too late. he wouldn't get to tell his grandfather goodbye, that he loved him, that he was so eternally grateful for the lessons he had taught him. he wouldn't get to-

charlie swiped his thumb underneath steven's eye, catching a tear he had just let go of. one more followed after and charlie caught that one too.

"thank you," steven whispered, his words hitting charlie's palm. 

he also wondered how charlie was able to tell he was crying. then he remembered he was the only one who had to wear glasses in the room.

"do you..." 

it was quiet for a moment. charlie didn't say anything and steven began to worry.

"i could sleep in your bed with you, if you want. it might make you feel better."

steven's heart began to race much faster than it had been. "yeah?" steven had asked for clarification.

charlie took it as a yes and slid underneath steven's covers, his face towards steven's. "are you gonna be alright?"

"yeah," steven thought he would be.

 

november 25, 1957 | steven received a quiz back in one of his classes. the score made him feel sick to his stomach but he reminded himself that he could do better on the next one. 

 

november 27, 1957 | steven checked for another letter from his mother but recieved nothing. _maybe that's a good thing_ , he thought. 

 

november 28, 1957 | “that’s not funny, dalton,” steven complained, sitting at his desk.

“maybe not,” charlie paused, “but you still laughed.”

steven swore he wanted to strangle his roommate then and there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my roommates read this and was like, "can steven and charlie just get together already?"


	4. before our time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steven receives the news about his grandfather. also, christmas arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look at that! i finally updated! it's been a while... it's great to see y'all again <3

december 2, 1957 | steven was not expecting to see charlie standing in line for the mail. sure enough, though, his roommate was carrying a package in his hand, waiting to hand it over to the post. charlie had yet to see him, giving him time to mull over whether or not he should call over to him or pretend he hadn't seen him. steven was flitting his eyes around, trying to figure out what the best plan of action would be when time caught up and charlie caught sight of him.

"meeks!" charlie called out, and waved him over.

while it was nice that steven didn't have to wait at the end of the line anymore, it was a bit frightening for steven to be in such a position with charlie. partly because he hadn't quite gotten used to one on one conversations with him. mostly because charlie was somehow always able to get steven's heart to beat faster.

the guy behind charlie rolled his eyes at steven cutting in before him but steven paid no attention to it. he focused only on the fact that his roommate was beside him, smiling at him.

steven immediately got a smile on his face, too. "hey, dalton."

truth be told, he didn't know how he could have ever shared the same bed as charlie. he was still unable to even call him by his first name. "what are you..." he trailed off, his attention swept away by the package in charlie's hands. 

charlie glanced down at it, motioned to it, and said, "i'm sending a birthday gift home to my little sister. she's turning six this year."

steven nodded along, quite shocked by the information. he hadn't known that charlie had a sister. come to think of it... he didn't know that much about him at all. over the span of these past few months they hadn't had too many conversations. steven was glad they were finally starting to. all he'd ever wanted was to be able to talk to him. 

"what did you get her?" steven asked.

charlie gleamed, his smile widens and his eyes glisten, seemingly pleased with what he was going to say. "she's been wanting some matchbox cars for a year. i know she's stolen mine since i've been here at school, which is fine with me, i just figured she'd like to have some of her own. she and i can race them when i go back for the summer which will be fun."

steven smiled along with him. "that sounds like it would be a great time! i'm sure she'll love the cars."

"i hope so," charlie said back, before turning to hand the gift to mr. feldman, the director of post and packaging. then he turned back to look at steven and smiled at him. "are you gonna head back to our room?"

"y-yeah," steven stuttered a bit as he said the word, he wasn't expecting charlie to call it 'their' room. it wasn't a very important distinction but it still made steven's heart race.

charlie took a step away as he waited for steven to handle business, "alright." 

steven stepped up to talk to mr. feldman. the man knew the question steven had for him and was not of the heart to listen to it be asked. he gave a quick shake of his head, "no mail for you today. sorry."

frowning, then looking towards the ground, steven nodded and said, "okay. thank you. have a good day."

the man returned the sentiment.

steven stepped away, towards charlie who motioned for them to start walking together. steven accidentally nudged charlie with his arm a few times as they walked and charlie told him it was okay each time he apologized.

"your mom didn't send a letter?" charlie asked.

"no," he paused as he worried at his lip, "no, she didn't."

charlie nodded at his response, looked as if he was going to say more, but kept quiet.

the two made it back to their dorm in silence. steven thought about saying something but found that he didn't have anything to talk about. it was fine though. charlie was good company. 

strange. steven never thought he would think so.

  
december 3, 1957 | assignments piled up that day. they had come as suddenly as the snow had. steven had a stack of worksheets that he'd needed to spend his time on but would rather be doing _anything_ else. he was grateful that he had the study group to ease the pain.

neil helped him out on the topics that gave him trouble, pitts offered encouragement, and charlie and knox were a great comic relief. 

knox was being dramatic as always and charlie was having none of it. he kept telling the sandy haired boy to knock it off and start studying. to which knox replied, "sure, right after you." 

"hey! i _am_ studying." 

knox scoffed. "no, you're not. you've been practicing your signature on the back of _my_ bio notes." 

steven heard pitts snicker, "they're not even his notes." 

"i'm gonna be giving out lots of my john hancock's one day. i'm making sure they're perfect." 

pitts shoved him and laughed. "you can make sure they're perfect after you pass this quiz." 

  
december 4, 1957 | it had felt like a good night to go out. luckily, gil thought so, too. the cold stung every single part of the both of them as they walked to the diner in town but it felt nice. there were wisps of snow falling around the two, landing in their hair and on their cheeks.

steven asked gil why hopkins couldn't make it and gil said he had some work to finish.

"oh god, _work_ ," steven groaned and kicked at the snow as he walked.

gil nodded in understanding. "i know! it's been awful recently. i swear, that last pop quiz made me want to commit so many sins." 

after laughing at that, steven replied, "yeah, i have many words for professor warren and none of them are kind. i just wish... i wish it'd all, everything, y'know, would slow down so that we could have a break."

"thank the lord jesus christ for christmas break!"

steven laughed and nodded, "definitely."

gil held the door open for steven as they headed in. there were more people than there was the first time they went. they thought they wouldn't be able to find a table but they found one way in the back. 

while they waited for the waitress they talked about their thoughts on the recent assignment they'd been given. of course, it wasn't long before that topic turned bland and steven found himself asking, "how have you and edwin been doing?" 

gil laughed awkwardly and blushed, "steven..."

"alright," steven put his hands up in mock surrender, "you don't have to tell me. i get it. i'm intruding on a subject that's highly personal. you can ask me something personal, if you'd like. i don't mind."

biting his lip, gil thought about it. it took less than a second to ask, "what's going on with you and stick?"

steven had expected that and yet, he had nothing to respond with. "i- i don't know. nothing, i guess," he shrugged at the end of his statement.

gil nodded and then threw in a second question, "what would you like to have going on?"

steven had _so much_  to say about that but he wasn't sure if he could let himself. his mouth fell open and he inhaled deeply. he began reminiscing on the past semester - every talk he'd had with stick, everything stick had made him feel. there was something undeniable between them but that didn't mean either of them had to do something about it or that they would. steven wondered maybe if they let it go on long enough the feelings would go away. they're good enough friends. they both had other prospects. stick had mentioned a girl back at home once. "i think i want to let things be for as long as i can." 

humming in response, gil changed the subject. "how are you doing with the other boy that's giving you trouble? your roommate, the asshole? are you still at odds?" 

the way gil clarified it was charlie he was mentioning made steven smile a bit. 

he wasn't sure about anything between the two of them. except maybe that they were friends now, maybe they were friends after all that time, maybe they were friends after... after _everything_. steven thought of them as friends. he just wasn't sure if charlie thought of them as friends. he hoped charlie did, but a large part of steven had doubts about it. 

it was difficult for steven to forget how things were not so long ago. how could he forget about the aforementioned _everything_? it seemed easy to when taking into consideration how charlie makes steven feel, how they interact with one another, and how charlie wasn't as standoffish as he used to be. now, he can be kind, funny, easy to talk to, and...

just then, the waitress came by and got their drink orders. steven was thanking every deity for good timing. he almost let out an audible sigh of relief. when the waitress left, steven immediately changed the subject. gil frowned at him but steven paid no mind to it.

the two resolved to talk (complain) about school again in the meantime. 

the waitress came back soon enough and they ordered their meals. steven ordered fried jumbo shrimp, french fries, and a toasted roll. gil ordered the same sides but with spare ribs. steven commented on how much he hated ribs and gil retorted back with how much he hated shrimp.

evening ended rather quickly. soon enough they were walking to the academy and it seemed to steven that it was less cold on the way back.

  
december 7, 1957| russell and stick came over to steven's dorm that morning and prevented him from sleeping in. russell made steven sit up in his bed so that he could sit next to him while stick pulled up steven's desk chair and sat in it. taunts immediately came from russell's 'always-open' mouth about steven's messy hair that made steven playfully hit him on his shoulder. stick came to his defense, thankfully, and made a joke targeted at russell. scowling at the remark, russell made steven's stomach start hurting from how much it made him laugh.

he felt a bit down when they said they had to leave but he was grateful they came by.

  
december 8, 1957 | his mother's letter came. she told him his grandfather had passed away.

  
december 9, 1957 | _he's gone. he's gone. he's gone._ steven's mind was focused on that and only that. he didn't feel much of anything but he _kept_ thinking and he couldn't _stop_ thinking. his thoughts were going a mile a minute in his brain. they bounced off of his skull and thudded against the entire expanse of his head. he wanted to stop thinking. but he couldn't. he wasn't sure what to do. he wasn't sure how to feel. a large part of himself felt gone. missing. would he ever get that part of himself back? 

he hadn't written a letter back to his mom yet. he hadn't even taken another look at the letter, just left it on his desk. he felt that if he pretended he hadn't opened the letter, hadn't read what it said, then the words on the page wouldn't exist and his grandfather wouldn't be dead. 

he wished he could go home. he wanted to see his mom and his dad. more than anything, he wanted to see his grandfather. alive. well. steven knew it was useless to want something he couldn't have but that didn't change anything.

he's always been the kind of person to hope for things that are out of reach, almost close enough to touch but not quite. 

steven got through his classes but just barely. the professors would talk and he'd write down his notes, partake in the activities, but at the end of the day he wouldn't recall any of the events. it was as if he hadn't gone to class at all, like he had simply stayed in bed all day. steven didn't feel conscious. he went about his daily routine on auto pilot. 

he was a shell of a person and people were noticing. pitts could tell something was wrong with him but steven shrugged it off when he asked. he did the same thing with stick. 

 

steven knew, though, once he had stepped through the door of his room that he wouldn't be able to shrug off charlie.

and he was right.

charlie was sitting on his desk chair with steven's mother's letter in his hands. 

"i'm sorry," charlie said. charlie's eyes, they were full of compassion and empathy, and they stared deeply into steven's. 

steven let out a shaky breath of air. that was his only response.

"how are you doing?"

steven said nothing. he didn't feel like talking, had absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak. perhaps charlie knew that because after a moment of the briefest silence charlie stood up, walked over to where steven was standing, and wrapped his arms around him. steven felt himself stand stiff, he almost wanted to let himself dissolve into the hug but he didn't. he was stock still and his muscles were taut. he felt the warmth of the hug physically as charlie's hands rested on his back and his front was pressed against steven's.

that's when every emotion he had been holding back came over him like a tidal wave. feelings were washing over him, drenching him, leaving him completely doused and saturated. soon enough, he was soaked and _angry_. he felt _anger_ \- more anger than he's probably felt in his entire life. in fact, he was furious, annoyed, absolutely exhausted, and he was enraged. he was pissed off about the fact that charlie had read the letter, pissed off that his grandfather had passed and he hadn't been with him, and he was pissed off for the sake of being pissed off. 

he'd never felt such anger in his life and he had no idea what to do about it. 

charlie pulled back, his arms slowly dragging across steven's white button-up until they were back at his sides. charlie blinked a few times as he looked at steven's face, into steven's eyes. steven was sure his eyes were red and squinted, and that his cheeks were splotchy with his freckles barely visible. he was also sure charlie now knew how vexed he was. 

an apology came from charlie instantaneously. the sentiment of 'i'm sorry' was spoken with his entire body. steven wanted to outright reject it, wanted to yell and scream profanity at the top of his lungs. however, steven simply nodded, then turned away. he thought for a second about what to do. he didn't know what would make him feel better. he didn't even know if he could feel better.

at that point, he realized he would like to be away from everything, alone, and figured some fresh air would be best.  

he grounded his teeth before turning away, heading out the door, and leaving charlie alone in the dorm. 

 

when he returned, charlie was already in bed. steven knew he wasn't asleep, though, but he didn't say anything to him. it was stupid but steven didn't want to say anything to him. he wasn't in the mood to talk or express what he was going through or what he was feeling. 

  
december 10, 1957 | it was just after biology class had ended when pitts placed a hand on steven's shoulder and told him that he knew about what happened with his grandfather. steven looked towards the ground, frowning slightly, he wasn't sure if he was mad at charlie for telling pitts or grateful because he didn't have to do so himself. he figured perhaps he could be selfish and feel both at once. 

"how can i help you through this?" pitts asked, concern dripping from his lips.

steven smiled, and replied, "you already are." 

 

when steven saw neil later that day, the boy also said something to him. steven couldn't remember what he said once the moment had passed. he didn't really want to hear any consolidations or terms to aid him in the grieving process. 

and when he got to his dorm and saw charlie, he thought he would ignore him but he didn't. charlie asked steven for help with some homework and steven thought long and hard about saying no, but he couldn't. he really couldn't. helping Charlie took his mind off of everything else. it gave him an outlet to focus his energy on. when he was finished helping charlie, charlie made a dumb joke that steven couldn't help but laugh at. 

  
december 11, 1957 | steven told gil, stick, and russell about his grandfather's passing when they came over to his room. he had a ball in his throat as he told them but it disappeared when russell started rubbing circles into steven's back with his thumb and stick wrapped an arm around steven's waist and gil had his arm around steven's shoulder. they listened as he talked about how much his grandfather meant to him and how much he missed him.

after they left he started writing a response to his mom's letter.

  
december 12, 1957 | gil played a game of chess with steven that afternoon. gil won.

  
december 13, 1957 | study group. steven forgot to go.

  
december 14, 1957 | steven went out that morning into town. the shops were expensive due to the season but that was okay. the wind, on the other hand, was not okay. steven's hair was already messy as it was, the wind just made it worse.

charlie fixed it for him when he got back to the dorm. 

he'd told himself he'd think about it later when he had a chance. 

  
december 15, 1957 | classes were easier that day. no assignments were given. they were only handed back and steven was satisfied with his scores.

he ran into knox on his way to his dorm. quite literally. steven was sure he had received a bruise from knox's elbow jamming into his side. steven laughed it off and was going to head off in his direction but knox called out for him to stay and talk.

"oh, uh, okay."

"you weren't at study group last week."

"i, um, forgot about it."

"oh."

"yeah, but i'll be sure to go to this one."

knox smiled as steven said that. "that'd be great! i'll see you then! or, wait, no. tomorrow! charlie invited us over to your dorm."

steven gave a smile back, said he'd see him tomorrow, and then went on his way.

 

december 16, 1957 | neil, knox, and pitts were in their dorm for a few hours. pitts sat on steven's bed with him as knox and neil took the two desk chairs. he got to know neil more. steven found that he was incredibly funny and charismatic. neil could make the entire group laugh without even trying. not to mention, he could be cheeky, as well. a distinguishing characteristic to have, as russell would say. 

  
december 17, 1957 | charlie slept in steven's bed again. steven wasn't sure why this time. charlie had gotten out of his bed and then walked slowly to steven's bed. when he reached it, he tapped on steven's shoulder, making steven turn his face away from the wall towards charlie, and asked if he could stay in his bed. steven tiredly mumbled an affirmative and soon felt the heat of charlie's body behind him.

charlie began talking to him. steven was surprised by the strike of a conversation. he'd thought they'd fall asleep, quietly, with nothing but their breathing between them, but he was wrong. 

charlie spoke about home. he spoke about his father, his mother, his younger sister. steven listened as well as he could. he had been wanting to know this stuff for the longest time. he tried to stay awake but there was something about charlie's voice that had him falling asleep soon.

  
december 18, 1957 | it's easy to forget things while having fun. steven felt better than he had in a while as he sat between pitts and charlie on charlie's bed. he was enjoying listening in on knox's conversation with charlie about a boy named richard who everyone called cameron.

it was evident they didn't like him and for good reason.

 

after, steven went over to stick and russell's dorm to hang out. the three of them smoked as they talked. russell mainly did all the talking but steven cut in a few times to add in his thoughts.

after a while, russell put on his coat and scarf and headed out to shop. russell had put off buying gifts.

"you procrastinated your christmas shopping?"

"fuck off, stick."

that left steven and stick alone together for the first time in a long time. steven realized as he looked over at stick that his feelings for him did not run as deep as they had before. 

 

dinner was made up of spaghetti and russell's jokes. it was also made up of steven thinking about charlie but that's beside the point.

 

 

pitts joined steven and charlie after dinner in their dorm. they talked and joked around until it was near 11 p.m.  

pitts accidentally fell asleep on steven's bed, sprawled out with his long arms and legs, his body taking up the entire space. 

steven had made up half a mind to shove the guy out of his bed when charlie offered him his. 

"no, no, no. it's okay, you don't have to-"

"we can share," the way in which he spoke left steven with no room to argue (really, steven didn't  _want_  to argue). so steven nodded his head, made his way from his desk to charlie's bed, and settled himself in. charlie was right behind him. 

"good night," steven whispered. a moment later is when he heard charlie say it back. 

  
december 19, 1957 | students had the week off from classes which meant some of them could go home if they wanted. he'd talked with his parents and they'd be picking him up on saturday. thank goodness, too. steven was exhausted after taking exams and having to write page after page on a topic he wasn't particularly fond of. he was unsure of what it was going to be like at home without his grandfather. it would be the first holiday season without him there. steven knew it would still be a time of celebration and family fun but he still felt grieved and thought his parents felt the same. 

 

that day he took the time to say goodbye to each of his friends. he asked them all what their plans were and told them to do their best to relax before the next term.

he told russell to bring him back a gift and russell told him  _he_ was a gift. steven laughed and told him that he was more like coal than a gift. russell and stick both said they would really miss him and to have a good break. 

 

pitts just told him to try to become more of a square over the break so that he could look a little cooler in comparison.

"fuck off, pitts." steven said, laughing and shaking his head.

 

charlie told him he wasn't going home for break. steven knew of some other students who wouldn't be going home so he knew charlie wouldn't be alone. he couldn't help but worry about him though. also, he wanted to know why he wasn't going home but didn't want to ask. he asked what charlie would be doing over the break instead.

"i'll be roaming the town, visiting the shops, and getting up to trouble in the woods."

steven lets out a chuckle and says, "truth be told, that sounds cooler than what i'll be doing."

charlie seemed to laugh but steven wasn't sure if it was actually a scoff. he didn't say anything in response to steven's statement. 

it was quiet for a moment until steven had a thought he really wanted to share. "you should go to the diner in town! they play the best music! and the atmosphere is so nice. it's such a great place. I've been there a couple times and-"

 "that sounds nice."

"yeah, um, i'm sure you'll still have a good break. oh, and, um, i got you something. it's nothing really special but i think you'll like it."

steven moved to grab the present. charlie looked surprised and then said, "you really didn't have to-"

"no, i wanted to. don't worry about it."

 "i mean, i-" he paused, smiled fully with lips pulled back and showing teeth, and then reached a hand forward to touch steven's shoulder. he let it rest there as he continued smiling. "thank you." 

  
december 20, 1957 |  charlie wasn't in the room when steven woke up in the morning. steven finished getting his things in order on his own. he could hear the ruckus of students in the halls ready to leave but sad to say goodbye to friends. 

after picking up his suitcase to get ready to leave, steven stopped for a moment to take a look out the window.  _what a couple months it's been._

steven didn't know what the future had in store for him. he thought if life had taught him anything so far it was that everything can change in a second and sometimes it's for the best. steven was grateful for all that had happened in his time at welton. it was funny that after all the time steven spent wanting to go home, dreading every moment at school, steven now didn't want to leave. 

but he did. 

now was the time for him to figure out more of what life had to offer. hopefully, he'd know before it was time to come back to welton. 

he took his suitcase, went through the halls, said goodbye to people in passing, and finally reached the front of the school. 

his parents were already there waiting. when steven saw them, he waved his hand to them and called out. his parents looked like they always did except perhaps a little more warn down. he hugged his mother first, her kisses getting lipstick smears on his cheek. soft words reached his ears that made him smile happily and lovingly. his dad hugged him then, with one hand on the back of his neck being a strong and stable force. steven understood how much his dad had missed him and how much he missed his own father. 

"come on, son. let's go home." 

 

december 23, 1957 | there really was something about the way the sun set and rose in steven's hometown. it was gorgeous, golden amber in the morning and burning rose in the evening. steven would always try his best to stare at the sunrise for as long as he could. he'd also always give up after just a moment. 

steven had woken up that morning to the sun and to the tune of Dean Martin on his mother's radio. he squinted, reached out to the dresser next to his bed for his glasses, and slipped them on. he caught a glance of a photo of him and his grandfather from when they had gone fishing. he recalled the moment with fondness and slight bitterness. he felt a sinking in his heart. his feelings falling down and down and down. lower, lower, lower. 

he thought about how his grandfather would want him to carry on with life and living it to the fullest. steven remembered how the man had said 'carpe diem' a thousand times. steven knew he should get over the bitter feelings but the amount of effort it would take him didn't feel worth it at times. 

eventually. eventually, he'd be okay. 

 

december 25, 1957 | family came over to visit in the late morning. the thing about the meeks family is that there's not a lot of them it just seems like there is. his uncle phil and his aunt martha are both singers who love to joke around. their children, susan and jimmy are more into the sciences than the arts. steven remembers them mixing things together to create stuff like 'stretchy mush' and 'smelly spray'. steven gets along well with all of them. they're good, funny people. 

steven got to enjoy martha's lemon squares for a delicious morning treat. his mother had made his favorite cinnamon pancakes for breakfast so food-wise his christmas day was going great. 

 

as the day went on, the family got louder and louder. phil and susan were singing a christmas song that his parents were wildly dancing to. susan and jimmy were heatedly discussing the recent scientific discovery made in the UK. steven listened in quietly with mild amusement.

he mainly focused on his parents. watched the way his father held onto his mother, how they swayed and laughed together. 

_they're happy. thank god._

he smiled, then went into the kitchen to grab another lemon square. 

 

december 28, 1957 | steven and his father were head to head in a chess game and had been for the last hour. neither of them wanted to give up without a fight. they both thought three steps ahead and were privy to being cocky while playing games. 

his mother had the radio on to occupy her while the two were busy doing something without her. steven tuned it out as he focused on trying to win. 

he moved his piece and waited for his father to move his. he knew his father was gonna have a struggle with it. 

a tune sounded that pricked steven's attention. and when the lyrics started steven knew why. 

 _"_ charlie _, my boy, oh,_ charlie _, my boy/ you thrill me, you chill me with shivers of joy"_

it was his turn again. 

" _you've got that kind of, sort of, bit of a way/ that makes me, takes me - tell me what shall i say?"_

"checkmate." 

 

" _and when we dance/ i read in your glance/ whole pages and ages of love and romance"_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all liked how this chapter turned out!


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